I’ve been on my depression medication for over 6 years now. My daughters are now 6 and 7. I look at their photos when they were younger, I break down and cry! It is all a blur, no memories… I feel so cheated… they were so adorable and sweet (and still are…) but my battles are on going so I have missed so much! That’s not fair, I want to hug them more, to love them more, to be there more but I feel paralyzed! Everyone around me says that I am a wonderful mom, caring, supportive and present. But that’s not who I see, I see someone who is weak …
29 Mar 2017 3 Comments
22 Nov 2016 Leave a comment
I recently took my daughters to the circus. It was one of the my best parenting moments! I spent the whole show watching my girls watch the show in amazement and utter joy! They loved it all! The funny mischievous dog that kept playing pranks on the clown dressed up as a woman… The big brave man that kept poking the tigers… The stylish and fabulous lady with bright red lipstick that made the sweet little kittys walk the rope… The whole Gonzales family walk the very high and scary rope! All these typical circus shows that we view as repetitive, my girls were amazed by them, viewing them for the first time through their eyes was a joy! Then came this huge metal ball and three motorcycle riders… they opened the ball and they drove inside of it… closed the door and just kept driving round and round… really fast… really noisy… my girls were yelling! That’s when I had my Aha… moment! It was all too familiar! Now I can explain it to you! That’s what I feel going on in my head all day long and everyday of my life! That’s what anxiety feels like! These three men in helmets and driving really really fast and being loud… high fiving each other… yelling… going in circles inside my head! That is me, my life and my motorcycle riders in my head…
10 Nov 2016 Leave a comment
I’m back! My last post was in 2014!!!! I had decided that blogging wasn’t for me! I felt I had nothing valuable to say? Why would anyone want to follow me? I am a mom of two kids! I suffer from depression, anxiety and rheumatoid arthritis! Well that hasn’t changed, I’m still a mom, to two wonderful and very strong girls, still battling with depression, anxiety and rheumatoid arthritis. However I feel the need to speak out! If you like what I have to say, then Great! I love you! And if you don’t like what I have to say, then That’s fine! I know my anxiety will be tormenting and reminding me of it many many times! But I also know that not everyone has to like what I say or like me for that matter! I feel the need to speak out for other moms that are going through similar situation as me? We are ok! We are doing a great job! We are great parents! Our kids are doing great! They are healthy, happy and in love with us! We are enough and we are much much more! So this is all I’m saying right now, I’m back! I love me and I love you all! You are not alone!
10 Oct 2014 Leave a comment
Let me just start of by saying, how I HATE making anyone feel bad or being mean or rude to anyone. It’s one of my worst traits! I’ve been known to keep my mouth shut on numerous occasions, even on occasions where others have been mean to me. That said, I can start my post. I’m a mother to two girls, a 4 year old and a 5 year old, last year I met a grandmother that picks up her son’s kid from preschool and goes home by bus. She owns a car but can’t be bothered by finding parking and getting stuck in traffic. I felt bad for her, for the past year, whenever I’m not going straight home, I usually walk home with the girls, and whenever I’m taking the car, I drop her off. I don’t ask for anything in return, she lives close to my mom’s house and that where I usually go, cause that’s the only person that tolerates two little well behaved angels and cause everyone I know is at work and I’m the only SAHM I know…. Well now I’m just rambling… I’ll leave that for another post… So her grandson is not the best behaved kid I know ( well neither are mine!!!) constantly yelling in the car, undoing his seatbelt and trying to get into the front seat with his grandmother. I tell him nicely to sit and because I feel bad for her, I’ve been taking her home for the past year and a half, at least twice a week. So two days ago her 5 year old bullies my daughter in the playground and I asked him politely to stop and asked her to stay away from him. The next day, she knew I was going to my mom’s, she’s running after me, while I run after my kids, to hitch a ride. I smiled and struggled to get all three kids in the back seat, as my daughter bent over, playing around, before I can catch her and put her in her booster, he bites her bottom. Oh! You can imagine the yelling, crying and tantrum my daughter went through! I tell him off but still get them in their seats! As I’m driving he punches her twice in the face!!! That’s when I lost it, told him what a bad kid he was and asked my daughter not to talk to him or look at him during the rest of the ride! The next day, his grandmother apologizes and says she’ll have him sit on her lap, at our next carpool! That’s when I said, I prefer we don’t car pool anymore! However as I was saying it I felt so bad for her, is it really her fault that her grandchild is spoilt rotten and gets away with everything? The next day they are playing in the playground like nothing happened! I know I’m right but why do I feel like I was mean to her? I’m not going to change my mind and I won’t let anyone bully my daughters.
09 Aug 2014 Leave a comment
Well nothing to explain here! The title says it all! My 5year old and my 4 year old woke me up this morning, to the need of having mommy google videos of how to make bracelets out of little rubber bands! I’m feeling pretty proud and they think I’m really cool 😄 now trying to figure out how to close them! My coffee is getting cold though and my sanity…. Well that went out the door a veeeeery long time ago! Good day everyone!
04 Mar 2014 Leave a comment
Just a little update on a post I wrote earlier. The one where my little angel tackled me in front of all the other parents, while I was waiting to pick her up, which resulted in me falling flat on my bottom and all the other parents staring and judging me! Reading it now, I feel like the me who wrote it, is not the me reading it! I know it wasn’t fun at the time but it is funny when I look back at it now! I sat with a few other mommies the next day and as I was telling them what happened, I laughed so hard, I cried! Thank god for mom friends and thank god for a little sense of humor that is helping me hold on to my sanity!
27 Feb 2014 Leave a comment
Did a little shopping today, before picking up my girls from preschool. Picked up a gift for my friend’s newborn baby boy. I was feeling good today, very together and confident, which is very rare with all the chaos around me. So I’m picking up my girls, I feel all warm when I see their little faces light up as they see me waiting for them. I go down on my knees, to give them a hug and then it happened!! My four year old thought the present I was carrying was for her. When I explained that it wasn’t, she yelled and pushed me so hard, I fell on my back. Felt tremendous pain in my back and arms. Someone came to help me up and asked me if I had fainted? I looked around, the teachers were pointing and whispering, a father standing next to me looked away, I think the whole situation made him feel uncomfortable. I picked myself up and whatever dignity I had left and walked out, with two kids screaming and crying behind me. Upon reaching home, she was given a time out, she apologized and acknowledged that what she had done was wrong. However I can’t shake these feelings I’m having. Am I a failure at parenting? Is it this hard for other parents also? Not feeling very confident anymore 😦